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Reverb Broads -December 17th

What are your biggest pet peeves?
(thanks to the marvelous Miss Emily)

Pet peeves are often things I try to keep to myself, because they make me sound like such a tremendous wanker. Like, it really, really bothers me that there isn’t a hook in the showers at my gym to hang my scrubbie and travel soap/shampoo on. I have to reach outside the curtain and use the same hook as my towel…

…Really? Your lack of a hook causes consternation? At the gym where your membership is basically paid for by the health insurance your employed husband carries? Where you work out ON MACHINES instead of, like the rest of the world, being subjected to backbreaking physical labor and then take luxuriously long, steamy showers with all that extra, clean water we have?

Get over yourself.

Wanker.

But I will mention this one thing, because I think it’s beyond pet peeve status– I think it’s a deliberate attempt by my family to gaslight me. Do you remember the movie Gaslight? In the film Ingrid Berman’s husband is trying to drive her insane. He, of course, stands to gain a huge fortune in the form of a priceless jewel…I don’t know what the heck my family thinks they’re going to get. They already steal all my stuff and eat my snacks.

Here’s the thing; they have never put anything away in the same spot twice. Meal prep in my home takes twice as long as it should because I spend most my time playing “Ollie, ollie, oxen free!” with my measuring cups and the immersion blender. We have lived in this house for almost fourteen years and, with very few exceptions, everything is still in the same spot as it was back then. Should I decide to change anything, I call my offspring to me, thusly;

“Darlings!” I’ll trill, “come forth onto your mother and heed my words; I have purchased for us a new set of kitchen shelves upon which to store my baking utensils. Note the stack of nesting bowls upon this shelf. Previously they were kept here (dramatically swing open cupboard door) but -LO!- a new age is upon us. Henceforth they shall reside here. Here. HERE upon this shelf. Go forth, my dear ones, but remember what you have heard.”

The next night the bowls will not be on the new shelves. Neither will they be in their old spot, under the counter. An exhaustive search will finally reveal them to be tucked into the warming oven. Why? WHY?!!!!

I stand by my statement. They are trying to drive me insane.


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