I just finished Nora Ephron’s book, I Remember Nothing, a series of essays on aging. It was hugely amusing and not at all alarming. Not even given the fact that lately I have started to ask my business partner to “Please pass me the….” and then stare at her blankly for at least twenty seconds while I struggle to recall the word “spatula.”

Nope. Not alarming in the least.

She ends the book with two chapters; one entitled “Things I Will Not Miss” and the other “Things I Will Miss.” I love this idea and it made me sit down immediately and type out my own versions. Because, first off, there is no end to things that annoy me and the pleasure I get from innumerating them in excruciating detail and, secondly, it seems a good idea to know which things fall into these two categories. The way I figure it, since I am so far away from shuffling off this mortal coil, I will have oodles of time to avoid the one and embrace the other, thereby improving the quality of my life immensely. So, without further ado;

Things I Will Not Miss
  1. Cars. Driving them, riding in them, filling them up with gas
  2. #%@&^* diets
  3. low-waisted jeans
  4. housework
  5. bugs
  6. mice
  7. email
  8. voicemail
  9. those little cuts on the side of your fingernails
  10. migranes
  11. doing bills
  12. dental work
  13. committee work of any sort
  14. plastic food storage containers
  15. shaving my legs
  16. Fox news and it’s entire stable of knuckleheads
  17. free-form jazz
  18. seafood
  19. figure skating
  20. elections

Things I Will Miss
  1. My Kids
  2. Hubby
  3. family and friends
  4. comic strips, especially Calvin and Hobbes and Get Bucky
  5. reading
  6. movies
  7. flowers
  8. dancing
  9. pretty shoes
  10. chocolate
  11. the smell of coffee
  12. the smell and sound of rain
  13. fresh baked bread
  14. chocolate cake
  15. cheese
  16. gin and tonics
  17. hot showers
  18. rummy
  19. pancakes
  20. Clive Owen (Okay, fine. The suggestion of Clive Owen. I just like knowing he’s out there…. somewhere…)
  21. long walks
  22. short walks
  23. glitter
  24. babies
  25. five-dollar bills
  26. magazines

The upshot, here, is that in reviewing my list, I am clearly a cheap date. It doesn’t take much to make me happy, is what I’m saying. Except for #20 on the list of things I will miss, I can have almost any of those things right now. (Also, #24 is off the table. Seriously. I would lose my mind. I’m just gonna’ have to wait for grandbabies.) In fact, I’m going to finish this up, take a hot shower and wake up to pancakes and coffee, which knocks off three of my favorite things right there. AND I can do them again the next day, if I so desire.
I guess it pays to be a little bit simple.

The Rise & Fall of a Momocracy

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