I’m responding to things with more equilibrium than normal these days. Like when I was loading the washing machine and one of the kids started the shower in the bathroom above and water poured from the ceiling onto my head…
Didn’t bother me a bit.
And then, when I got a bucket to jimmy in between the washer and dryer to catch the waterfall and I knocked the dryer hose free and saw 30 years of lint coating the inside- a definite fire hazard- I just shrugged and duct taped the whole thing back into place.
On the way out of the laundry room I nearly stepped in our filthy cat litter boxes. Why are they so filthy? Because my children are liars, that’s why. (“Is the cat box clean?” “Yep!”) I simply upended them in the trash and refilled the boxes, no drama at all.
This weekend we got news of a friend’s unexpected passing. Not just unexpected: shocking. Mind-numbing. Heartbreaking. And while I still think, yeah, the world unfolds in proper order, I also kind of feel that the Universe doesn’t have to be such a dick about it, either. And make no mistake, this was an extremely dick-like move.
Many of his friends have been galvanized in their grief. The amount of work being done is staggering and commendable. I watch it being done and am aghast in my admiration. I take the other route and go limp.
Miss Teen Wonder is concerned.
“Mom. Having you in the house this solemn is freaking me out. You just let me eat cake right before dinner…QUIT it!”
The thing is, I’m having a hard time remembering why I ever would have said no in the first place. Why not eat the cake? Stay up late? Rollerblade around the block well after dark? Eat bacon sandwiches morning, noon and night? My default mom-mode switch is often set to “no” but right now it seems ridiculous to deny them anything. If they are smiling and laughing and having fun, I can’t imagine what could be more important.
So goes the oddest, saddest, most awesome spring break of their young lives.
I don’t really have a point or a profound realization. I had to write about it, because if I didn’t there’s a real chance I would never be able to write anything here again. Writing funny, little, ha-ha blog posts about oh, those crazy kids/cats/life seems artificial when faced with the reality that there was a person and then there was not. There was a husband, father, brother, son, friend.
And now, there is cake. And at the moment, it is the best I can do.
My heart is breaking for you, dear friend. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better…do you need more cake?! xo
Lots of love to you my dear.