It occurred to me the other day, whilst mentally turning over everything in my life that needs to be fixed, changed, refurbished or redone, that I really only have one problem;

 A lack of enormous piles of cold, hard cash.

 I can’t tell you what a relief this was.

There are so many problems that require solutions far more complex. But I have none. No chronic illness for me or my kids. No addiction concerns. No relationship troubles. I’m my own boss and my family and I have spent many a lovely holiday together and never once ended up in small claims court. Additionally, my home is located in an area safe from earthquakes, mudslides, floods, hurricanes and rampaging wild boars. There is virtually nothing in my life–from the raccoons in the roof, to Miss Teen Wonder’s required oral surgery or the baffling sporadic and unpredictable electronic failures in the minivan–which could not be satisfactorily resolved simply by throwing money at the problem.

 I’m just lucky I guess. So much so, that my girlfriends and I decided to face the problem head on…. And bought Five. Whole. Powerball tickets.

That’s right. I increased my lifelong Powerball ticket purchases by 500%, so…sorry. I imagine you had your heart set on that jackpot, but I am clearly going to win. Boy, does it feel good to know that all my troubles will soon be but a distant memory.

 “But aren’t you worried?” my friend asked, “Maybe once these problems are gone, a whole new group of them will rush right in.”

 Fair point. Nature does abhor a vacuum, and all the research shows that lottery winners are only as happy after the big payday as they were before they became multi-bazillionaires. Humans tend to be creatures of habit, and if you are a worrywart today, you more than likely will be one tomorrow. So I’m glad that she asked. It’s given me the chance to prepare myself by compiling a list of all the things I will be focusing on instead of worrying about any of my current, paltry problems.

  1. Working on my Pulitzer Prize for Literature, Grammy, Competetive Eating Championship.
  2. A comprehensive analysis of the world shoe market. 
  3. Napping. 
  4. Producing a new, Animal Planet reality show: Raccoon Hunter. 
  5. Using my enormous wealth to assume a secret identity in order to protect and avenge the innocent…oh, wait. That’s Batman.
  6. Baking every last cake on my Pinterest boards.
  7. Developing and marketing a line of compostable, sustainably grown paper clothing, thereby saving millions of gallons of water and eliminating weekly laundry duties.  You’re welcome.

As you can see, I’m going to be far too busy to worry.  The only thing left is to sit back and wait for the truckload of cash….

…. anytime now….

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The Rise & Fall of a Momocracy

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